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HALLOWEEN By Nigel Dean

This guys is a true story, incredible perhaps but none the less true.

Let me introduce those of you who do not know them to a couple of my friends.  First of all this is Steve - right there on the left.  Horny little bugger aint he ?   Steve features in a number of my stories and if you have read any you will know he is a champion bulshitter.  If ever it became an Olympic sport he could represent England and take the gold medal without any problem at all ! This guy could also bullshit himself, at times he blew so much smoke up his own arse he could puff it out of his ears.

In this way and self assessment my friend excelled in all matters and knowledge appertaining to the supernatural.  Steve firmly believed in a parallel universe inhabited by spooks, ghouls and all manner of things determined to cross swords with we mere mortals in our daily lives.  To listen to him he was most convincing, well some of the time anyway.

My story begins late one Thursday evening. I was at home alone in my little flat watching some crap on television when the front door bell rang.  It wasn't a single quick ring but a series of long and determined blasts.  Whoever was there tey were trying to instill within me a sense of urgency but who could it be ?

Standing there on my doorstep and shivering with cold was Steve.

"Can we come in ?"  Steve said.  "We're frozen."

"Sure."

Steve wasn't alone, he had another lad with him.

"This is John,"  Steve introduced the stranger.

Both were dressed in motorbike leathers and held crash helmets in their hands.

"Come in,"  I gestured.  "Coffee ?"

"Yes please,"  John said.

"Black, strong and very hot," Steve added.

Although it was autumn and pushing towards November it was unusually mild for the time of year so why were they so cold ?  

Steve explained. "We've been over to Crickhill, there's a site there that's supposed to be the most haunted place in England."

"No supposed about it,"  John added, "that place is pure evil"

Yeah, yeah !  I thought silently to myself.

"It was like an aura of ice cold air surrounded us,"  Steve continued.

"It shit scared me,"  John said.

Bullshit scared I thought and bit my lip not to speak the words. Typical Steve and here he had found another gullible lad to scare witless.  Crickhill is more than twenty miles away, I've never ridden a motor cycle myself but I doubt it is a warm and comfortable experience.  Any wonder they were cold.

We drank gallons of coffee as Steve spun out the full details of the story.  What a twat !   Going in search of a deconsecrated church and what ever ghouls or ghosts they could find lurking in the night.  I listened patiently and tried not to laugh.

That would have been that had I not told another mate about Steve and John's ghost hunting expedition.

Time to introduce you to Carl - that's him on the right.  Carl also appears in several of my stories.  Carl was an extra special mate, a wank and fuck buddy extordinare. Carl had moved to London and worked in the offices of the London Underground but each week-end came and stayed with me. We had some great fun together I can tell you.

Carl had a wicked sense of humor and when I told him about Steve and John his eyes twinkled with mischief. "Next Saturday is Halloween," he sniggered, "invite them both over for the evening and we'll put the willies up them.  Metaphorically and if we are lucky literally as well !"

"What you thinking of ?"

"Leave it to me,"  Carl winked and eye and tapped the side of his nose with a finger. "The trick will be on them and the treat will be all ours !"

Steve and Carl knew one another through their individual friendship with myself although I am sure Steve had no idea quite how intimate my relationship with Carl was.  Steve and I used to play squash together and after a hard game would relax bollock naked in the sauna.  Steve and I had our own times of man-fun but these were on a much more simple scale than anything I enjoyed with Carl and Carl had never made up a threesome with Steve.  Suffice to say that Carl knew of Steve's bisexual tendencies and would love to exploit those inclinations making Halloween something to remember. 

The night of All Hallows that year fell on a Saturday, Carl came up from London by train after work on the Friday.  I was eager to learn his plan but my friend was coy and secretive.  "Be patient and wait until tomorrow."

When tomorrow came he did not relax his secrecy but did produce and ouiji board.  I had heard of such things of course and knew what they looked like but had never seen one before.

"Where did you get that from ?"

"There's a shop in Soho,"  Carl explained, "it sells all kinds of spooky stuff."

"Is this a genuine ouijo board then ?"

"As genuine as bullshit can be,"  Carl laughed. "It'll do well for tonight.  Now I need to run down to the shops before the party starts.  I am, going into town so I'll be a couple of hours."

"Want me to drive you ?"

"No you stop and organise the food.  I'll take the bus."

There wasn't much to organise, for the Halloween party I planned to throw a few sausages into the oven and make some hotdogs.  Our local supermarket had been selling pumpkin pie, popular so I am told in the United States at this time of the year but a total novelty here in England.  I thought we could give it a try.  Once these slender preparations were done I took a close look at Carl's ouiji board.

It was a round circle coloured in a swirling pattern of greens and browns.  The letters were gold and formed about the edges but in no apparent order.  It was, of course, all mumbo jumbo but Steve would believe in it without any question.  I fetched a glass tumbler from the kitchen and pushed it about the board.  The surface was such that it glided with amazing ease.

Carl came back laden with plastic carrier bags.  He produced some candles, incense sticks and a variety of bottles.  Four two litre bottles of strong cider, two of non-alcoholic apple juice and a small bottle of vodka.  Contained in a cardboard box were four large drinking glasses.

"We want them to be relaxed,"  Carl explained,  "so I'll drain off some cider in two of the bottles then top them up with the vodka."  He scuffed the paper labels on two of the bottles with his thumb-nail.  "These two that I've marked can have the vodka in them.  Take off the screw tops and place a glass upturned on each before you hand them to Steve and his mate, that way they won't be suspicious that the bottles have been opened."

"Clever, and we get the other two bottles ?"

"Fraid not,"  Carl said opening them and pouring the contents down the sink.

"Hey !"

"We are on the fizzy apple juice.  Now do you have a Bible ?"

"Somewhere."

"Find it but don't have it on show, just have it ready for when the need arises."

"What are you going to use a Bible for ?"

"It's all part of the plan."

"But a Bible, I'm not sure about that."

"Oh come on, Christianity is just socially acceptable mumbo jumbo.  What are you worried about ?"

Steve and John were due to come round at eight, by the time they arrived Carl had the room illuminated only by candle light and the house full of the aroma of burning incense.  If I didn't know better I would have said the whole thing was very spooky. This was going to be fun and if I knew Carl he would stitch Steve up like a kipper but I still wasn't comfortable about his using a Bible.  In the kitchen as I prepared the food and Carl the drinks I repeated my concerns.

"What are you going to do with a Bible ?"